Evil Diary

Why is it that whenever I feel really tired I can’t sleep?

I’m lying here thinking about all the aches my body is making me feel, all the endless cycles my brain is looping over and over, trying to turn myself off and the one thing that I want won’t come. My eyes are heavy, but they won’t close. My brain is mush, but it won’t give in. Nothing is out of place, nothing keeping me from resting but the thoughts in my head.

I don’t even feel like I can make sentences correctly. Why do these things happen to me? What did I do to deserve the torment that I recieve? Why do I feel like most of the tormet is self inflicted?

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I had another dream last night that didn’t feel like mine. It wasn’t as traumatic as the first one, but it was definitely through someone else’s eyes. It’s a very strange feeling. I wonder if this is going to become more and more frequent. I think I would rather have my own dreams than someone else’s.

I think a lot about dreams, I wouldn’t say that I put as much value in then as some people out there (I don’t think that they are trying to tell me something or anything like that), but they usually end up making me think quite a bit about them. I’ve had several dreams in my life that I think have been “important” in some way.

One time when I was very young I had one involving a lightning strike that shook me up pretty good. I’ve also had a few about events and things that seemed to predict what was going to happen.

This new trend of seeing dreams that aren’t involved with me has me worried a bit, I can’t begin to understand what it “means”, but it seems like a big change that came out of no where (at least as far as a dream is concerned).

I’ve been struggling everywhere else it seems. Nothing interests me and everything seems foreign. I don’t like my surroundings and once again I can’t do anything about it. I haven’t been sleeping well, feeling well, or doing anything well lately.

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I had a dream last night that was very different from any other dream I’ve ever had. I don’t remember a lot of the details (you know how you forget as soon as you wake up?), but it was the most sad thing ever. It had something to do with a person dying, I think I was looking through someone else’s eyes, which has never happened before. It was really, really strange.

I remember being so crushed because this person had died. I was very shaken up. You know when you’re dreaming and you think you might be awake too? That half asleep, half awake feeling? I remember that, and feeling like I was about to cry. Like actually cry from a dream while I was asleep, and not even a dream with me in it.

I think the story revolved around some people that I know, or knew, or something like that. They were people that I don’t even really know very well or have much of a connection to. It was very very strange.

This will probably be another thing that occupies my head for a while.

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I’m sitting at work and trying to find a reason to write a new post here.

I’m overwhelmed with a sense of apathy. I don’t have anything that I want to write. I don’t have anything that seems like its worth writing. Every thought that passes through my head seems interesting for a split second and then it’s gone. It’s dismissed as a stupid passing nothing.

This one included.

It’s very hard for me to find meaning right now. I just don’t care anymore. I don’t fit in here and it’s becoming more and more obvious to me and everyone else. I want to leave.

There’s nothing for me to do here. I don’t have a purpose. Nothing makes me want to get up and go give 100 percent in the morning. I’m not sure if anything ever did, but now it’s certainly a more pressing issue. I just want to be able to do what I want, which changes as each day passes. I don’t want to have a job where I go and do the same meaningless tasks every day. I don’t want to pass by co workers and put on a fake smile and pretend that everything is ok. I want everything to be ok.

It’s not going to be ok here.

It never has been and it never will be.

I need my muse. Something that inspires me to do something. Anything. Right now I don’t have a goal, or a project that will keep me interested and inspired for long enough to live a life. Does that make any sense? I have things that I know I would like to do, but they are short term. They won’t last and who knows if I’ll feel the same way about them tomorrow that I do today. It’s all so fake and plastic.

My body feels out of place here.

Tags: Ponder, Rants // Add Comment »

The afternoon for me went by really quickly. I have no idea why, I wasn’t doing anything exciting, there wasn’t something going on that I really enjoyed. Nothing was going well, it just went by quickly. I guess I’m not complaining here. I’m glad it seemed fast. Although I still have a strange feeling that time has been robbed from me.

I want time to go slow, but only if I’m enjoying myself, which I know is pretty rare lately, but still I want what I want. Aren’t I allowed to just want?

I’ll probably have a pretty tiring day tomorrow because I’m pretty sure I’m gonna have trouble sleeping tonight. I was really tired all day today and ended up taking a little nap (which ended up being longer than it should have been). I’m sure that falling to sleep tonight will not be an easy task. I really wish I would have already gone to sleep a few hours ago. I really just need to get a lot of sleep, soon. Maybe I’ll be able to do a little catch up this weekend.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how I feel that the world is screwing me over. Sometimes I really think that’s true. I don’t know how to explain it, but it seems like I never get a break. Ever.

Murphy’s Law is one that says if something can go wrong, it will. More often than not, I don’t think it’s something that I need to worry about, simply because it holds so true. Nothing goes the way it should. Nothing ever is easy and ends up working out for the better. There are never happy surprises, and anything unexpected is bad. There aren’t any exceptions.

For all the people out there that are coasting through life because of rich parents, strange abilities to get things done, or just dumb luck: I truly envy you.

The thing that really just makes it worse is that all the people that fall into that category are complete dicks. It really wouldn’t be so bad to be less fortunate if the rest of the people in the world weren’t such fuck ups. I would understand if there was someone out there that is just smarter, better, faster, whatever. Often its just because something goes right that doesn’t make any sense and I get the short end of the stick.

This is how really terrible things in the world start. A person that just can’t catch a break. I do everything the “right” way. I follow the rules, I obey the speed limits (most of the time), and I don’t try to screw other people over. The problem is, there isn’t any incentive to do that anymore. Long gone are the times when being a good person is actually a beneficial thing. The people that are successful in the world are all criminals. There aren’t any success stories out there that don’t include blood on someones hands. Someone got screwed over for every person that didn’t. It’s just the way it is and it’s sucks.

My question is, how do the people that have moral problems with screwing people over get what they want out of life? Am I walking the line of asking the “meaning of life” question? I don’t mean to do that, but I guess if it comes out it comes out. What is there driving me to continue? I simply don’t see it anymore. There isn’t opportunity staring me straight in the face and begging me to take advantage of a perfect situation, there are only people that would get screwed. I’m not willing to get to the to by trampling on other people.

Then there’s the religion aspect. I’ve never really known where I stand in terms of God, or a higher being or whatever. I’m really moving in the direction of not only not believing, but actively being pissed off about it. If there is a God, he/she/it really fucked up.

I had this thought in my head a long time ago which I rationalized myself into. I must be Jesus.

Now, follow me on this one.

Nothing ever works out for me. Everything has a catch, nothing is perfect, and everything ends badly. So I’m constantly being punished for the successes of everyone else. Now here’s the part that I think really tops it off:

I don’t want to get screwed by other people, so if I’m ever given the chance, you’re all fucked.

Since I haven’t been given the chance, I can assume that I’m not in fact Jesus, in which case God is unjust, and therefor wrong. God can’t be wrong, so there is no God. Case closed?

The race of a human mind takes a strange course, but time flies when you have something to do.

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